S2Q4. Tell me something embarrassing that's happened to you

1 May

Written By GoneClements

So I had met my now husband and really liked him and we were getting on swimmingly. The problem is, like my mum, I am a very windy person and so I struggle with stopping farting. However, 3 months in and I was still holding strong!!
One night, just as we were dropping off to sleep, I accidentally let out a short, sharp fart! I was mortified and very quickly said ‘ aw I’ve got a really bad belly’
Over the years and as we became more comfortable with each other, many farts passed his way, with him often saying ‘your bad belly’s back again love’
One or two years ago I was waking up the main stairs in my school which overlooks the canteen and when I was at the top I somehow fell over and basically showed my arse to everyone who was behind me I can’t remember how I fell but just remember the floor looking really close to my face and then being pretty much face down. Normally I would have pissed myself and I did after but the amount of people that saw me at the time was a bit much.
Something embarrassing that has happened to me is keeping a diary.
I used to wright down thoughts and feelings on a semi-regular basis, usually dependent on how negative I was feeling over the course of a week. I did this for about a year and a half and would often go back and read my previous entries. I’ve not done this for well over two years and the thought of reading what’s inside cringes me. What I would write is cringe, the way I would write is cringe, the ideas I expressed were cringe even the cover of the diary was cringe. Those diaries contain 100 x more collective embarrassment than any one memory or event. But I like that they are embarrassing to read, I like that they are embarrassing to look at and I like that the idea of someone else reading them makes me want to leave the room. Those diaries show a lost ‘adult’ trying to fumble their way through life. Getting overly dramatic about things, taking everything too seriously and being hyper-critical of themselves and everyone. For me those diaries remind me that the way you feel and allow yourself to feel can and will dictate your happiness, your pride, your anxieties just pretty much everything.
I think Charlie Chaplin said it best when he said, “life is a tragedy when seen in close up, but a comedy in long shot”. And that’s what these diaries, as embarrassing as they are, have helped me realise. That nothing is ever as bad as you’ve made it out to be in the moment and chances are, things I hyper criticise and worry about in the moment will just become another funny story later down the line
I can only think of a few embarrassing moments in my life. Once, talking enthusiastically about a film that I liked with Jockwhan (Joaquin) Phoenix in. "Is he River Phoenix's Scottish cousin you daft bugger".
That one lasted for a few months. Once in front of three women saying Lingerie as Lin-ger-ey and not Lon-Zhuh-Ray, that one lasted for years.
The one that has always stuck with me though is when I was eight years old in school and the teacher was asking what pets we had. After loads of Dogs, Cats and the occasional Rabbit and guinea pig, I felt that I would up the anti and be a bit more exotic.
"A Monkey sir"
"That’s interesting, what sort of Monkey have you got?"
I panicked, he didn't ask the other kids questions.
"A chimp sir".
"And what can you tell the class about Chimpanzee's" Other than that they ate bananas, were strong, and were in the PG Tips adverts on the TV I knew nothing.
"Maybe you could ask your parents if you could bring your Chimpanzee to school one day". Bugger.
The lie got bigger and bigger throughout the day with the other kids asking when I was bringing the Monkey into school, some kids asking if they could come to my house.
I pretended to be ill for the rest of the week and can’t remember it being mentioned again, but I knew they knew that I lied.
Still haunts me that one.
It was coming up Christmas and I was working for Westbury Homes at the time, one of our contractors who we got on well with and they did loads of work for us offered to take all the surveyors in the office out for a sit-down Chinese meal, in quite a well to do restaurant in Cardiff, they also invited a load of site managers which in hindsight wasn’t a great idea.
We had a bit of an ongoing feud with site managers, we thought they were wankers, and they thought all the surveyors were wankers. The night was going well, but there was one site manager, in particular, Phil Jones, who had a reputation of being a bit of a twat when he was pissed. anyway, as the night wore on, he was chipping away all night at a few of my workmates and dropping sarcastic comments all through the meal, but I managed to ignore most of them and just thought what wanker. I was coming to the end of the meal just waiting for dessert and I realised there were loads of bottles of red wine left on the tables, as everyone was drinking the white wine and lager. In my wisdom, I thought right I ain’t going to waste all this free booze and started necking it back.
It wasn’t long after this our desert came, Phil Jones was at it again gobbing off to my workmates and all of sudden, I thought I’ve had enough of this, my head went and I lunged across the table at him swinging from the hip, all hell broke loose with everyone getting involved trying to break it up and punches being thrown.
My mate Dunny through a haymaker missed Phil and caught me flush on the chin, the worst part about it was I was so pissed I don’t think I landed a punch, just took a few.
Anyway, Eventually it all calmed down, we were all chucked out of the restaurant, and everyone fucked off quickly, I got ushered away and my workmate bumbled me into a taxi and said I better get you home.
When we eventually got back to Barry, she asked me where I lived, but I had recently moved and was so pissed I couldn’t remember, so she said you're going have to stay at our place, which I don’t think her husband was so happy about. I settled down on the sofa and fell asleep when I woke up in the morning my workmate came downstairs and asked how my head was and started laughing, I asked her what’s up she said you can’t remember last night then, I said no what do you mean, apparently I woke up in the middle of the night and went to go for a piss, unknown to me, I had bumbled into their bedroom and was going to piss in their wardrobe, luckily her husband woke up and stopped me in time and ushered me to the bathroom. To this day I have no recollection of doing this.
Anyway, I felt like a right wanker as you can imagine, I apologised to her and her husband, went back to work and apologised to my workmates for fucking up their night and had to phone the contractor to say the same, luckily enough they all took it very well.
It was like I was a treble twat in all one night.
When I was in my early twenties I was in between jobs so after 5 o'clock I knew a guy who was the site agent on a building site so I'd put loft insulation in the attics of the houses I'd get so much an attic. anyway, to cut a long story short my second evening I tripped and put my leg right through the bedroom ceiling and these were brand new houses!! Evening three was worse somehow I tripped again and fell through the joists and I was hanging there like a bastard numpty I don't know what was worse wrecking the ceiling or my soon-to-be ex-mate just staring at me.
For some unknown reason, he never asked me again
When I was young maybe 7 or 8, I was attending a barbecue with my mum over my friends house across the street in their garden.
Everyone was there with their kids maybe 30 - 40 parents and kids in total. Even at that age I was really into music and was always making mixed tape cassettes with all my favourite songs recorded.
At some point in the night, my mum said 'go and get your mixed tape with so and so and so on'. So without thinking, I went over to the house to get the tape so they could play the music at the barbecue. Now I'm loving it because they are playing all my favourite music.
Then after about 40 minutes or so, the last song comes to an end and there's a long pause followed by the sound of my voice beginning to sing aCapella coming out of the stereo full volume!
It immediately hits me that I'd recorded myself singing in my bedroom over the last bit of blank space on the cassette and forgot about it!
All mine and my mums friends stop and look at me and realise what's happening and begin to laugh and acknowledge what they're hearing, to which I immediately have a meltdown telling my mum to turn the tape off. The more I'm getting vexed the more they are laughing and are egging my singing on. I burst into tears and ran across the street to my house. I get to the house and realise I'm locked out and have to go back to get the key off my mum in front of everyone at the barby still with my voice bellowing out of the stereo. Most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me.
My most embarrassing moment was when I was walking towards a supermarket to go shopping and a seagull pooed on my face. I tried to wipe it off, but it was everywhere.
I ran back to the car and never did get my shopping done that day.
My husband needed new swimming briefs for our Spanish holiday. The pair I eventually chose could be plain or with a pattern on one side.
I turned to a very patient young shop assistant and said “I can't make my mind up between the plain or the patterned pair, so tell me do young men like a bit on the side?” There were a few seconds of silence, then howls of laughter from both her and the queue of people that had formed behind me.
I bought the patterned pair
I’m a very competitive person when there is a reason to be competitive. and my sister brings out the need to beat her at everything.
A few years ago we went on holiday to Finland, it was a beautiful and such a unique trip. we went sledging and snowmobiling across a huge ice lake, but the main one I was the most exited for was skiing. when we arrived at the ski resort we got our stuff and went over to the learning zone, (they teach you to go up the hills sideways and turn and shit) after doing this for a bit I felt confident, but so did my sister.
we decided to race
we went up the slope and decided to wait till the hill was clear, there were a fair few people on the slope and we wanted a fully clear slope.
we pushed off and began skiing down the hill, turns out you go pretty fast but I didn’t want to slow down and lose, so I just kept going. we got to the end and I won! My sister stopped but couldn’t, I flew past my parents and brother watching me fly over the snowy bank, flipped upside down straight onto my back. my legs the only thing showing over the snowy bank.
at least I won